Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Vodka?
Forever.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
