I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize