Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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