Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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