Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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