I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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