You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
