I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
