put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
