I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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