he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
