Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
