he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Sorry my hands just texted you
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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