You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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