Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
