I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
