I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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