i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
