If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
