I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
