Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
