: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
