That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
