Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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