$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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