hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
