i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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