My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
