Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
