I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
