all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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