genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
