Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
