I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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