census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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