Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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