Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
now i know why i became what i already was.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Randomize
