I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
P.S. I can't hear my feet
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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