alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize