I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
is that a dick in a sweater?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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