I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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