i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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