Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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