I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
