I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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