All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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