Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
