i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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