the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
