I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
