Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
