he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize