dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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