i already hear my dad disowning me
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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