Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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