Just fell off a train. Bad.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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