Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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